Walking on eggshells

Well, we are 1/2 way thru the visit. Surprisingly, after a rocky start, it has smoothed out pretty well. Sticking to my plan of being nice and polite, but keeping my distance. It has been alright. There have been some tense moments, but nothing like it used to be.
Still holding my breath til 12/30, when he returns home.
But, breathing much easier that it has gone better than I anticipated.
Phew.

Breathe In....Breathe out.....

ACK!! He will be arriving in a few scant hours..if that. His plane landed about 10 minutes ago, if all went according to plan.

Returning to my breathing exercises now....

Time is short

Christmas is coming. J Jr. will be here in a scant week. Blood pressure is rising, tensions are building between myself and husband over this. I am worried that he is so excited to see his son after 6 months, that he doesn't fully remember his true behaviors. In addition, we also learned from P that he is off all of his medications due to sky high cholesterol ( he's 12!!). Fabulous! Thankfully, J has an escape plan of sorts, limiting our exposure to him. Ugh. Not excited or looking forward to this at all. And feeling very conflicted as it is a sore spot between J and I. I don't want to be responsible for tainting this reunion, but I have gone into self-preservation mode and literally counting the HOURS I have to be with him. I hope I am completely wrong, and he has made some miraculous breakthrough and is a "good kid" again. But I know that isn't going to happen. I will put on my happy face, be tolerant. And just escape when I need to. He will be out of state for the bulk of the time, one-on-one with his father. Guilt cannot cover how bad I feel about that, that J needs to get out of state with him just to avoid any conflicts with me, the psychiatrist happy, drug pushing, domineering step monster. But, hey, I am going to protect myself and my son.
Will let you know how it turns out. Surely I will have some new material by then!