Christmas is coming. J Jr. will be here in a scant week. Blood pressure is rising, tensions are building between myself and husband over this. I am worried that he is so excited to see his son after 6 months, that he doesn't fully remember his true behaviors. In addition, we also learned from P that he is off all of his medications due to sky high cholesterol ( he's 12!!). Fabulous! Thankfully, J has an escape plan of sorts, limiting our exposure to him. Ugh. Not excited or looking forward to this at all. And feeling very conflicted as it is a sore spot between J and I. I don't want to be responsible for tainting this reunion, but I have gone into self-preservation mode and literally counting the HOURS I have to be with him. I hope I am completely wrong, and he has made some miraculous breakthrough and is a "good kid" again. But I know that isn't going to happen. I will put on my happy face, be tolerant. And just escape when I need to. He will be out of state for the bulk of the time, one-on-one with his father. Guilt cannot cover how bad I feel about that, that J needs to get out of state with him just to avoid any conflicts with me, the psychiatrist happy, drug pushing, domineering step monster. But, hey, I am going to protect myself and my son.
Will let you know how it turns out. Surely I will have some new material by then!
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